Sunday, 23 July 2017

life backwards is efil

to whom this concerns: I have developed a very disgusting habit.

A habit that will haunt you.

I have been spelling words backwards intentionally and I just cannot stop.

Basically, since my last blog post I have been a series of awkward situations so in order to try and get myself out of them I have been purposely saying: *random word* backwards is *drow modnar*. It's a very odd habit I know but it has become addictive and I have been using it in every situation possible. It does get quite funny though.

Anyway, CATCH UP TIME WITH DENBY. Me and the boyfriend broke up after almost 3 years. Very heartbreaking but we have decided to stay friends as we both think it's best for each other? I think? We both made mistakes and we was both becoming upset over everything that has happened and it hurts. But that's life I suppose? But we are both trying to be happier people and I am very happy to say that he is very happy at the minute which makes me happy. Yes I miss him to pieces but again, life goes on. We had the best of memories and we are going to gain even better memories!

Also, in regards to my previous post. I went on to fail my first ever driving test. It was very disappointing but I only managed to get 2 faults. One being a minor fault and the other being a major fault. I managed the major fault during a crossword scenario and I was turning right. It was very confusing at the time but I don't mind. I have learnt from my mistake and my next test is in 3 days? I am so nervous because it has cost me a lot of money and I will really kick myself if I fail this one. After that test it has given me a confidence boost because I drove so well and I drove with so much confidence and I have learnt that confidence is KEY! If I could give a tip to those who are also learning to drive: TRUST YOUR FIRST INSTINCT. Don't be scared and be confident with every action. Never doubt yourself because that caused me to fail. VERY ANNOYING!

In good news though my birthday is two weeks today! I am going to be turning 19 which quite frankly is CRAZY! I am growing up so fast and as much as I like it...I am scared. I am scared of growing up in a way. I am just going to spend the next two weeks living life to it's full and just make myself happy and I am going to try SO hard to pass this next driving test!!

So much has happened in the space of a month, I left college, got a new job, broke up with the boyfriend, gained some new friends in a way and there is so much more to happen! One thing I just need to keep telling myself which is TO BE HAPPY and stop beating myself up over stupid things, it gets you nowhere! That advice I am giving to all of you too! No point in being sad and feeling sorry for yourself. JUST GET YOURSELF OUT THERE!

Anyway, I hope all of y'all have a good morning, day or evening! (Even if you are already having a shit day; just remember the sun will shine at some point).

Wednesday, 5 July 2017


I have so many fears recently. The cause of these fears? My anxiety. The anxiety I never knew I really had but apparently I do...I think. Anyway, I want to talk to someone but it is currently half past 4 in the morning so; I am going to talk to myself about what is stressing myself ou which (if you haven't actually noticed yet), is my fears.

Fear #1: 

Failing my driving test. My driving test is now a week away and I have never worried about something to such extreme in my entire life. This is my first test which makes me even more nervous. I know I can drive and so does my driving instructor but one thing I am really scared of is letting my nerves get the best of me then failing. Failing itself doesn't scare me as much as letting myself down. The only way I am going to pass is if I prove myself wrong and that is what I really want to do. I want to prove myself wrong and anyone who doubts me wrong.

Another thing that worries me with my test is that I won't be having another lesson until the day of my test. I cannot figure out whether or not this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I want to say a good thing as the more I drive with my instructor the more likely I begin to mess things up. BUT, I feel as if I need a little bit more practice. Not much, but enough so I can feel 100% about this test and not 99%.

Fear #2: 

I am currently undergoing a series of fears regarding the consumption of food. The reason for this is currently unknown but I am not feeling the need to really eat. However, I do think this is primarily due to my routine dramatically changing. By this I mean the fact that I have left college FOREVER. I am no longer a sixth form student which has made me so happy and stress free. However, I am developing a new form of stress in the sense that I no longer have a routine. I have been trying to create my own form of routine but I have a new job and the hours are fluctuated at the moment since I am new.

Fear #3: 

My ultimate fear at the moment is my boyfriend. Please buckle your seat belts because for this fear I have a lot to get off my chest:

So, me and the boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. This itself makes me the happiest human being because after 3 years and after anything and everything we are still standing strong. I cannot describe how happy this makes me feel.

However, recently I have had a developing fear and I honestly don't know why. Since I have finished college I have been hanging around with my friends and we all have been on many adventures. So has my boyfriend, he has joined in on the fun and he is enjoying it so much. But, I am a female. I am not saying that all females have anxiety and their own form of jealousy but I have had an overgrowing fear which is combined with jealousy and sickness.

Whenever the boyfriend does something without me, eternally, it crucifies me. I worry about him so much and I want to know where he is and what he is doing. There is nothing wrong with this feeling is there? Anyway, he has been hanging around with a girl, (and his other friends at the same time don't get me wrong), but I am growing a fear inside of me that he is going to lose interest in me. After 3 years he means so much to me and I want him to know that. He is my everything. I have been chasing after him because I love him so much and he makes me so happy. But everytime he isn't with me and he is with someone else I just feel like he doesn't want me there. But before I sound like a crazy girlfriend, I get invited but sometimes it's after I have finished work so I am too tired or I don't join because I don't want to get home at like 2 in the morning. Because of this I panic so much. I want him to smile at me the way he has been doing with everyone else. I want him to smile at me the way he use to when we were first talking. I want him to be happy more than anything and if I can't make him happy like everyone else does then does he even want me?

I will message him and I will be honest with him but I know he is out having fun when really I just want to speak to him properly. Last night I messaged him EXACTLY how I felt. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders but I didn't get the reply I truly wanted. He said he'll talk to me about it properly but after I sent that message I just knew he was having a laugh with his friends and that he couldn't reply properly. I felt second best. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I am being so clingy recently. I hate myself for it.

I am the reason for this fear. He reassures me all the time that he loves and that he would never leave me. He tells me what I want to hear. But apparently this isn't enough for my anxiety. It is never enough for me.

Fear #4:

My thoughts.

I am scared of my own thoughts and feelings. I can send myself to a dark place very quickly. This place is horrible. Eternally, this place murders a part of me every time I enter it. As you have previously read my thoughts send me to a horrible place of jealously and anxiety but this goes for everything.

I am extremely sorry for such a depressing blog post especially after so many months of not posting anything. But I just felt like I wanted to get all of this off my chest...again. It is so much easier for me to fully express myself through words non-verbally than it is to do so verbally. But I honestly think no one understands how I feel. I am screaming for help but no one is seeing it apart from one person properly instructing me to go get help elsewhere. I want rid of these stupid thoughts once and for all.