I am. Depression.

Depression is probably one of the hardest things to live with. One minute you will be happy and feeling great and the next minute you want to kill yourself. It's a horrible feeling. 

Sitting down and you know you have so much to do but you can't do it. You have no motivation or energy to do anything. You don't want to do anything. 

You want to go out with your friends but then you think about everything bad they have done to you and you get really angry with them. Then you get angry at yourself. Then you end up staying at home. Laid across your bed. Wondering why you are still in this world if everyone hates you and you hate them. 

You don't want to go anywhere. You just want to be at home and do nothing. Be nothing. Then you get days were you force yourself to get out. Those days are frankly the worst because you know you don't want to be out and then you get wound up and it's awful. 

Seeing yourself in a reflection and reality hits you. You realize how ugly and fat you are. You realize how disgusting you are. You then go home and cry and never make an effort on your appearance. Now that is probably the worst part. 

The reason I am talking about this is because this week has been my boiling point. I have reached the point were I just don't want to be here...at all. But. I am going to be happy. I am going to walk out my door in approximately 30 minutes and be the new Sammy Denby. 

I have said I am going to start fresh so many times but today I actually mean that! Scarring your body is pointless, it isn't going to help it just leaves scars which cause attention and I hate attention. Being sad and upset is pointless because you only live once and what is the point of being sad when you are only on this planet once right? Whats the point of ending your life now when it's going to end some time in the future AFTER you have been on many ludicrous adventures?  This is what I am going to keep telling myself every time I get surges of major depression. Because, I am sick of it. I want to be happy. I want to feel what everyone else feels. 

I want to have a smile on my face and I want it to have a meaning. 

I want to walk out my door with that smile on my face. 

I want to go out with my friends wanting to actually be there, still with that smile on my face. 

I want to sit down at the table on an evening and have meals with my amazing family with that smile even bigger than before. 

I want to be able to do all this. And you know what. I am going to do this! 

Because I am Sammy Denby. I am the girl who cares for everyone. I am the girl who gets her work done with no excuses. I am that girl who lives life with a smile. A meaningful smile. 

I am. Sammy Denby.